Love - Frm my old Archives

So what is love? The big picture answer is that romantic love is a biologically driven phenomenon. It has been selected for because it helps our genes to propagate, along with a complex set of other qualities, and they're not independent of each other, i.e., the state of "being in love", "lust", "jealousy", "anger", "trust", and many many others, are all tied together in a complex way and it's really not a clever thing to separate them out. It's a complex function of the interactions happening within us.

But what is the nature of that state from an individual perspective? That's more of a personal thing and it's hard to describe. To me, being in love has many components but at its core is the view that you will do anything for the person you're in love with (cynically, this could be viewed as "putting up"). Your passions, etc. are SO strong that nothing the other person does could be bad in your eyes (i.e., you become very accepting). All this means that you essentially give up control of your emotions, etc. to the other person.

It's a scary feeling to most people (and most people who have issues with trust, etc. have a hard time falling in love) but to me it's very exhilarating. Essentially you give yourself over to the other person. Since the state of being in love is ultimately biologically driven, it has a strong sexual/physical component to it (i.e., what people call "chemistry"). But that's not enough to sustain the feeling and for that you need an intellectual and emotional compatibility (this is also discussed more below).

One experiences different kinds of love as one moves through life, but romantic love is an amalgamation of all or almost all of these other loves, and then some. For example, a romantic partnership might sometimes have characteristics of a parent/offspring or sibling relationship, and universally of a great friendship. This is usually witnessed as a romantic love-based relationship progresses over time.

There are a few quotes in my quotes page which would aptly describe "love" from different perspectives. I think the concept of love invented by society is fiction (Plato called it a grave mental illness), particularly the various idealistic versions of it.
Sartre considered love and relationships to inherently be a cycle of sado-masochism. That is, a person caring about another person generally wants the other person to reciprocate, but yet any action that compels reciprocation will lead to dissatisfaction. In other words, the person who is doing the loving wants to be loved, but yet does not want force the love and wants it to happen on its own accord. So in any given situation, the person who is doing the loving will objectify the person who is receiving it, compelling them to reciprocate (sadism). However, the person who does the compelling is not content when the love is reciprocated because he/she knows it was because of the objectification (masochism). This begins an escalating cycle of objectification generally culminating when the relationship ends.

Objectification in a relationship I think is just as bad as emotional or physical abuse (and is possibly the cause of abuse in many cases). I am against objectification: every time I begin a relationship I always worry that I will end up objectifying or being objectified. I think it is possible to overcome objectification and I think it requires the cooperation of all the people in a relationship. I think successful relationships (in all walks of life, not just romantic ones) are ones that step around the objectification problem.

This theme is epitomised excellently (and humourously) in The Simpsons and Akbar and Jeff cartoons by Matt Groening. I personally see The Simpsons or Akbar and Jeff to be the most realistic portrayal of relationships and love. Obviously few of us are like Homer and Marge Simpson, but the general idea of why there exists such a deep commitment between the two of them I think is a valuable thing to pick up.

So ultimately love I don't think is an emotion or a feeling, but rather a state of existence for and between two people. That is, love is the interaction between the partners in a relationship. This may vary based on the type of the relationship---it could be dysfunctional, as in The Simpsons, or sado-masochistic (as in the play Quills), or consummate (as in Romeo and Juliet). In an ideal world, love is a Zen-like state, where two people are together as one. (While this description appeals to the romantic side of me, the cynical side of me gags at such a statement---perhaps this is how it should be.) But we don't live in an ideal world, and no matter what, there's bound to be an imbalance---if the imbalance/assymetry is too much (i.e., one person cares too much and the other person doesn't care enough), then it's bound to frustrate. In such situations, it's better to end it completely (cut your losses) rather than end up in an objectifying cycle which will inevitably lead to a bad ending.

So what is my ideal of a great relationship? Everything I say below is except-able. That is, there are no absolutes and this isn't a box. In fact, I almost refrained from writing this because I've learnt that people aren't perfect (d'oh!), and more importantly, to not expect perfection. This is a good thing, because it would make a relationship very boring. But I'm going to say what my ideal is anyway. For now and always, I want someone I can do things with. I want someone I can see myself growing old with, someone I can be with when I am sixty. Such a statement requires the ability to think quite a bit ahead into the future, because for all my talk above being content alone, I am not convinced I'll feel the same way thirty years from now. I want someone who will be what they are and not change (personalities) just to make a relationship work. I want someone who knows what they want.

Exclusivity is also important to me personally. I'm a passionate person and I give a lot of my time and energy to the person I care about. In the end, all of it comes to naught if there's nothing to sustain and nourish it (i.e., if it's not returned). If someone isn't willing to be exclusive to you, and you are to them, then it ends up in a assymetric/objectifying situation. But besides some health-related reasons, the primary reason I think exclusivity is important is because of the energy you put in. For me also, it is how I fall in love.

However, I'm also a firm believer of the adage that you can't force a relationship, and so I think I want someone who, when they're unhappy for whatever reasons, even if the reasons are unfair, will work through it with me instead of bottling it up or pushing me away when things get tough. I want someone who is not afraid to trust or to get too close. I want someone who'll question me, who won't let me get out of line, who will correct my mistakes regardless of how stubborn I am, who will continually challenge me and will be able to deal with being challenged. And most important, an ideal relationship would be one where it is extremely casual and intense at the same time, much the way it was with my friends in first grade when I was five, possessing both passion and naivete.

Keep in mind that the moment I say I want these things, I'm beginning my objectifying process. So in reality, I just believe in going with the flow and seeing what happens---this has led to some incongruous relationships, but, as they say, 'tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and either you're in a relationship that makes you happy, or you're not. While it hurts each time you emotionally commit yourself to someone and that commitment is lost, I think those feelings enable you realise that you exist in this world. Also as I say above, I think it's not likely that one can find a relationship by looking for it.

This is corny (and extremely over-used), but the song Somebody by Depeche Mode, although demanding in tone, captures many of the things I've written above lyrically.

I want somebody to share,
share the rest of my life,
share my innermost thoughts,
know my intimate details;
someone who'll stand by my side
and give me support.
And in return
she'll get my support.
She will listen to me
when I want to speak
about the world we live in
and life in general.
Though my views may be wrong,
they may even be perverted,
she'll hear me out
and won't easily be converted
to my way of thinking.
In fact, she'll often disagree.
But at the end of it all,
she will understand me.

I want somebody who cares
for me passionately
with every thought and with every breath.
Someone who'll help me see things
in a different light;
all the things I detest
I will almost like.
I don't want to be tied
to anyone's strings.
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things.
And when I'm asleep,
I want somebody
who will put her arms around me
and kiss me tenderly.